Sunday, March 29, 2009

Attack of the Killer Koalas

I'm really digging the diagonal composition of this illustration - the delicate branches have a Japanese vibe. However, it stops there. The rest of the subject matter is freaking me the frak out. The title suggests science fiction. I suppose that would explain the neon tubes blasting out of the kid's jacket, as well as his super cool tricorder and the electric blue intrinsic field-subtracted halo surrounding him. However, it does not explain these things (shudder): 

According to the blurb they are "lumpies ~ gray smiling creatures, innocent yet knowing." Lumpies, shmumpiesRUN!!!!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Take the A Train!

I admit that my brother Georgie is an odd little fellow, what with his X-ray eyes and his pop issues. No, not with our dad, dodo, with pop. As in art. Ever hear of it?
Nobody in this hick town has. Don't believe me? Here's a snapshot of my life as written by this chick Suzanne Newton:

"Neal's family harbors deep secrets. His rebellious older sister Aileen is in danger of not graduating high school. His little brother Georgie has his own engulfing fear [lasik surgery?] which even Neal can't fully understand. Neal finds a fulfilling outlet in jazz music, but even this haven is not safe from the scrutiny of a small Southern town."

Man, these crackers don't know nuthin - always asking me what jazz is. Jeez, if you've gotta ask, then you don't know, do ya? That's it, Georgie bro, we're on the next train outta here! 

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Throwing-Up Season

What a career Mario Lopez has had! From his early days playing that cute knucklehead A.C. Slater to his twinkle-toed moves on Dancing with the Ho's to every forgettable thing in between, now comes the pinnacle of his career! He will soon be hosting a, I mean exciting show bound to delight one and all! Get ready for Shot Put with the Stars!
Here he is showing contestants Fred Willard and Will Ferrell how it's done. I hear that Shatner just signed on! Awesome!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Pay Attention, People!

The average teen would think this is about the romantic rivalry between two buff boys in teeny tiny swim shorts. Well, it's not. That's where my astute eye comes in to decipher this seemingly benign tableau. The shape of the megaphone may symbolize the romantic triangle laid out before us, but some oddities beg addressing. What are we to make of that phallic amulet around the cute boy's neck? I refuse to believe it's a whistle - an artist who can render such realistically snug fitting shorts, not to mention that mod yet modest two-toned one piece, could surely draw a simple, accurate whistle! Could this amulet be a symbol of his desire to play on the other side of the fence where the true object of his affection waits? Perhaps. He's clearly giving a coded gesture to the other hunkalicious hottie. Or is he? Take a good look at that hand. What is that thing? It's so distracting! But maybe that's the point! The artist has succeeded in distracting us by focusing on these figures who themselves are distracted. Two of them are presumably lifeguards, yet they show little interest in guarding lives. And we all know what happens the moment you take your eyes off the water!

Sunday, March 15, 2009


Top o' the morning to you! What a fine, soft day to be wearing a fine, soft Hogwarts scarf. Unfortunately, it seems that our young hero's reverie will shortly be interrupted by the laddie with the jaunty cap purposefully striding his way. And what of the graffiti? Unify ire lad? He doesn't seem all that angry. Hmmm, unify fire lanes? Begorrah! Unify Ireland!  According to the blurb, "A spiral of events in Brian O'Brien's life (yup, that really is his name) will splinter his family, leave one brother dead, and fill the quiet Brian with an awful despair that threatens its own explosion." 
Poor Brian. I wish he could riverdance into a different world. One that's clean-as-a-whistle and magically delicious

Happy St. Patty's Day on Tuesday! 

Thursday, March 12, 2009

The Other Side of...WTF?!

Neve Campbell finds herself trapped in the bizarre world of a YA book cover where she is depicted as a pouty, windswept giantess roaming suburban backyards on a quest to protect sunbathing girls from harmful UV rays and the volatile boys in snug jeans who threaten them. I mean, what else am I to deduce from this cover? According to the blurb it's about a girl who lapses into a coma for four years (color me surprised) after her mother is murdered (I swear I'm not making this up) but does this cover in any way reflect that? ARGH! 

I do like the placement and font of the title. The boy's ass.....not so much.    

Sunday, March 8, 2009

The Stern Warning to Mr. Angel

Aww christ, wouldn'tcha know it! My shift's about to end and I'm hankering for a deep-fried treat when alls a sudden in front of my bumper there's this knucklehead tempting death by peddling without a helmet! When are these goons gonna learn? Maybe he'd like to watch this in the clink.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


You're probably wondering why I'm sitting here looking all droopy dog depressed even though there's so much beauty in this sun-shiny world I'm sitting in. I have a fine fisherman's sweater, kickin' Fryes and cool Patti Smith eyes, so what's got me down? Well, duh, I'm in a YA novel. The storm clouds are approaching. Why don't you just open the book and read the inside blurb...

"Beth Corey hates living with her father, his new wife, and their baby, but after her mother's suici-" 

STOP! See what I mean? Toss me an umbrella, won't you?

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Adventures in Advertising

To the CEO of American Tourister Luggage,
We are alarmed and outraged at your recent television commercial in which you thoughtlessly hawk your wares at the expense of a noble creature's dignity, one no less imprisoned! Where will it stop? Does anyone know?

Dear PETA,
Please accept our apology. We have seen the error of our ways and will strive to show more compassion in our advertising campaigns. As a result, we have decided to employ an angelic moppet who will sit cross-legged atop our latest model of fine luggage and test its strength and durability by regaling you with a popular ditty.
CEO of American Tourister

Dear Boss,
Please bring back the ape.
American Tourister Model Suitcase #523