Judging the Books

Hope you enjoyed your visit!

2009-09-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

What I have to say is difficult but it had to happen sometime. The cache of covers from the library books I weeded over a year ago has run out. I hope you enjoyed the illustrations, the links and the commentary. I had a lot of fun giving these old covers a fresh breath of life and entertaining you in the process. A great big THANK YOU to all the sweet people who visited from week to week and had such nice things to say - and great blogs of their own! I can be found at Upstate Oddities or on Facebook.

Good Bye!

Mind Games

2009-08-25T17:19:00.000-07:00

Young Billy has a lot on his mind. Literally. And we all know what boys have on the brain, don't we, nudge nudge, wink wink? But Billy is different. His mild-mannered sensitivity doesn't fit this gross generalization. The reveries that emanate from his neatly coiffed helmet head represent a paragon of wholesomeness. Captured in his great big thought balloon is the sweet, maternal tenderness embodied by a Madonna and Child. Either that or the illustrator cleverly worked a Venn Diagram into the design, one which supports an abstinence-only agenda by showing what may happen when a boy and a girl...ahem...overlap. Damn ambiguous book cover!

The Electric Kool-Aid Acid (Road) Test

2009-08-18T11:03:00.000-07:00

Would you believe me if I told you this book is about a kid whose delusional dad dreams of becoming a wrestling superstar? Yeah, me neither, because the only association with wrestling in this illustration would have to be the title, right? So I'm going to imagine a different story... the story of "Half" Nelson and his buddy "Full" Nelson on a psychedelic joyride through the highways, byways and extremely elevated overpasses of America. The ones with the teeny tiny guard rails and distracting tropical birds. Tropical birds...Um, guys? I think you made a wrong turn. Onto a monorail. Yep, I thinks that's what happened. A little birdie told me.

Oh, my aching head!

2009-08-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

Oh, God, no... not again. Not another migraine. Ugh, I can feel it coming on, feel those demons cavorting on my cranium. But that doesn't really describe the agonizing ache - feels more like pins pushing through my pineal gland or...or...(fuck, this hurts) thorns thrusting through my thalamus. Or serpents slithering through my cerebellum. Oh, sweet bejeebus, make it stop! It feels like ballerinas pirouetting en pointe and executing perfect arabesques on my parietal lobe. Yes, that's what it is! Tiny dancers dashing my desire to live. I... need... relief!

Note to my readers: If you go here, I promise your head will stop hurting from all those nasty links :)

This is how it's done

2009-08-04T08:58:00.000-07:00

The following is a handy dandy guide to the components that make up a superbly lame 1980's YA cover illustration: (You can thank me later)

1) Disembodied heads floating amid a neutral background. Extra special lameness if one of the heads is a geeky kid with thick glasses just waiting for you to get undressed. (please cover book before getting into your jammies, girls)

2) Obsolete technology

3) Random grouping of lilliputians

4) Giant central character in a seemingly catatonic state. Extra points if she's so out of it she's neglected her hair. (Girlfriend, break out the conditioner!)

Combine all elements, slap on an ominous title and finish with a tri-named author. Voila! You have a young adult masterpiece, moldering in the stacks of a time-traveling library near you!

Crank Dat!

2009-07-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

Jan Michael Vincent, fresh from his hugely popular stint flying helicopters for our viewing pleasure, takes on his most challenging role yet. Soldier Boy is the emotionally-charged tale of a courageous young private with a serious case of the sads. On leave for a few days, his heart is shat upon and shattered when his girlfriend (played by the beautiful Lea Thompson) confesses that she is smitten with an inamorato of a different feather. But all's well in the end when our hero, stationed in the Antarctic, finds a chance for acceptance and happiness with his own web-footed friends.

Green Eggs and WHAM!

2009-07-21T16:30:00.000-07:00

Turtles have a leisurely, gentle way about them. They're slow and steady and don't partake in any seaside drama. But just try to mess with their eggs!

These are some of the last known photos taken of one C. Sheldon Smith during a school field trip to the shore. Repeatedly told by his teacher "not to disturb the eggs; to look, don't touch; and to get your grimy hands off the goddamn eggs, how many times do I have to tell you, you freakish little moron," Sheldon squatted down, scooped up a cache of freshly laid leathery orbs, and in so doing, incurred the mighty wrath of mama turtle.

May the following snapshot, taken moments before the horrible deaths of Sheldon and his classmates (and the surrounding townsfolk) serve as a warning to us all.

9021...NO!

2009-07-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

David Silver has ditched his dreams of hip-hop glory to run away with an unlikely paramour. With her shoulder to lean on, he travels the globe to more highly elevated and barren zip codes to escape the face that haunts his (and humanity's) nightmares.

But there is

escape.

This post is a shout-out to my old buddy Katmass and the many nights we spent boozing in The Peach Pit.

It's just a jump to the left...

2009-07-08T16:10:00.001-07:00

There's an image so frightening here that shakes me to the core and turns my insides into pudding just thinking about it. No, it's not the thought of traveling through time and meeting one's older, cross-dressing self as this young man has done. That would be awesome. Look above that. See the girl falling through space? Egads! I can't think of anything more spectacularly frightening than to be precariously perched, not being

able to hang on, to lose one's slippery hold .......... and then drop.

Why yes, I am hyperventilating at the moment. So on a lighter note (and in keeping with the fun cross-dressing timewarpin' stuff) for all my friends who spent many a midnight at Uniondale's minicinema back in the day...Let's do the time warp again !

Lucy in the Psi with Diamonds

2009-07-02T16:27:00.000-07:00

It took an inspired artist to draw this mind-blowing trippiness and two authors to pen it and still I have no idea what it's about (and this is after reading the jacket blurb) except to learn that someone is the prisoner of their own psychic powers. Is it the haloed dude with the expanding psinuses? Or perhaps Admiral Adama there on the left disguised as Chief Needsmoisturizer. Could it be the boyish girl with emerald eyes on the right? The dapper trio in the corner? Or is it the two-headed biker? (I know, I know - it just looks like a two-headed biker, but any excuse to link to a Ray Milland pic is one I'm taking) That leaves our central figure. Hmmmm, the only thing he's a prisoner of would be snazzy biker fashion...and I guess psilocybin. Feed your head with YA fiction, kids!

2009-06-14T16:43:00.000-07:00

This silly thing called work has me in its grip, so I'll be taking a blog break until school ends. Hope you tune in later!

Look Behind You!

2009-06-08T15:14:00.000-07:00

Ah, the birds of summer...the chicks of YA novels. Big sis gazes with wonky eyes at vistas most pleasing, while she gently rests her protective hands on the sun-kissed shoulders of her darling sister. And how adorable is little sis? A veritable clone of Buffy herself (no, not that Buffy - this one!) But don't let this idyllic scene fool you. The sinister trees do stir, bwahahahaha!

Theater Geeks of the World Unite!

2009-05-31T14:41:00.000-07:00

Ah, theater geeks, how I love them! For all the dramaramas I knew in high school who were mocked by the jocks and bullied by the beauty queens, this monologue is for you:

[clears throat, enters stage right]

Give me your teen outcasts, your shunned soliloquists, your huddled rehearsers yearning to breathe free the wretched refuse of your teeming high school hallways. Send these, the dramatic dabblers, the backstage babes, tempest-tost to me, I lift my spot light beside the golden stage. Yes, young thespian, hug thyself!*

*and get the boy to do your hair and make-up - I'm sure he's fabulous at it, darling!

The Final Battle

2009-05-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

I assume the publisher's intent was to offer a cover illustration that would appeal to teen girls back in the day. This picture certainly includes some elements of popular teen style - the high-waisted jeans, the necklace dangling over the sweater collar just so, and other accoutrements that define these creatures - the teddy bears, the teen idols ripped from the pages of Tiger Beat and the oh-so-precious knickknacks. Yet there's something a bit off about these two. Are they even teenagers? It's like they're a representation of what teenage girls would look like as rendered by someone who's never seen a teenaged girl....or by someone who's never seen a human? I think our clue lies in that

big old V in the title.

Yeehaw!

2009-05-17T16:04:00.000-07:00

In this modern version of Gulliver's Travels, we find our perplexed protagonist waking up in the big sky country of Montana - a land of rope fonts and lilliputian rodeo revellers, who harass our hapless hero with frightful clown antics, terrifying stunts of horsemanship and an endless loop of musical torment.

SCAT!

2009-05-12T15:05:00.000-07:00

Whatchoo lookin' at cowboy? If this is a muthafuckin' stare-off, you can save yerself the trouble and declare me the winner right now. What'd you just call me? Mallory?! The name's ain't Mallory - it's Cat, see? Cat, myself! Got it? Landsakes, what kind of plumb crazy name is Mallory - that's a duck, ain't it? Oh, what's that you say? A mallard's a duck? Well ain't you the edgycated one! Now you just back off my land, smarty-chaps, lest you want to make the aquaintance of my colt. And that ain't no horsie, hoss. I reckon you'd best giddy-yap outta here 'fore I lose my temper. Shit.

Road to Perdita

2009-05-06T14:01:00.000-07:00

Not for the faint-hearted comes this harrowing tale of a recent graduate of the Andrew Wyeth School of Modeling, who unfortunately strikes a pose at the same moment a graduate of the Jacques-Louis David School of Equine Modeling attempts to out-vogue her. When asked what possessed him to trample upon a little girl's dream of posing perfection, the slick stallion replied nonsensically.

Misty vanilla-colored memories...

2009-04-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

Ah, the good times. What's there to say as I sit here perfecting my Playgirl pose? My younger sibs are eager to reminisce about growing up in this hick town, but I ignore them by contemplating a piece of straw and chuckling to myself. Hmmph. What good times?

Bland.

Blah.

Boring.

That's all I've got, kiddos. Take my advice - get out of here and see the rest of the world.

Wanna know what this book is really about? Teen suicide. Yep, the kid in the docksiders hangs himself! I love YA fiction, don't you?

Anyone got a map?

2009-04-25T17:11:00.000-07:00

How far would I have gotten? Hmm, pretty far from the looks of it, since me and my Ford have driven into an alternate (and freshly paved) universe where the sunsets are psychedelic and the ice cream is radioactive. I have a hunch there's a very large cowboy who's gonna be looking for his hat soon, and being that I'm not really a country girl - rock and roll's more my scene - I'll be going home now. I just have to figure out how.

Come with me...to the sea

2009-04-19T14:46:00.000-07:00

I reckon that the Beckoner, with his outstretched ectoplasmic hands, is beckoning you to dive into his story. With his windswept hair and scruffy good looks he's a dreamy dude, yes? Except for that part about being a ghost. A lonely ghost. He'll do everything to convince you to stay with him, to become him. So just lalala away his earnest entreaties, and satisfy your romantic seaside cravings by

listening to this instead.

YO! yo?

2009-04-13T14:51:00.000-07:00

For spring break I wanted to do something really wild, ya know, shoot for the moon! Maybe backpack through Italy, see the Coliseum, or backpack in front of a poster of the Coliseum. Whatevs. Only hitch is that my 'rents wouldn't let me go solo. No probs, right? All I had to do was tack up a classified on the dorm bulletin board seeking a SWF to tag along with me. This girl Hedy responded at once - coolio, right? Wrong-o. I liked her enough at first but then she started dressing like me and getting the same kicky haircut as me (and she's also aged about 20 years) and well, now that we've reached the Coliseum (ok, it's a poster, so what!) I'm starting to get a bit creeped out. Good thing I packed my trusty Duncan - my mad yoyo defense skillz may come in handy.

Dinos Gone Wild!

2009-04-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

Oh lawdy lawd, it's finally come, that bright light at the end of this wintry tunnel.... Spring Break, wooohoooo!! I'll be going wild up in the Land that Time Forgot, aka the beautiful Catskills. No technology, no traffic, no work....me happy! Have a wonderful Easter, and remember children, bunnies are not toys. They are living creatures that need to be treated with respect...or else.

Over the Edge

2009-04-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

Young Louise had it all. Healthy shiny hair, bitchin' wheels & fun-loving friends. She was young and wild and living close to the edge. Little did she know that her freewheelin' 80s lifestyle would crash and the 90s would find her slinging hash in a pitiful diner. She yearned for the excitement of her youth, the wind in her hair, the open road! So she kissed her dull life goodbye, picked up her BFF and went on an adventure that brought her not close to the edge, but damn well over it!*

*I really hated the end of this movie. Harvey would have helped them. I know he would!

Attack of the Killer Koalas

2009-03-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

I'm really digging the diagonal composition of this illustration - the delicate branches have a Japanese vibe. However, it stops there. The rest of the subject matter is freaking me the frak out. The title suggests science fiction. I suppose that would explain the neon tubes blasting out of the kid's jacket, as well as his super cool tricorder and the electric blue intrinsic field-subtracted halo surrounding him. However, it does not explain these things (shudder):

According to the blurb they are "lumpies ~ gray smiling creatures, innocent yet knowing." Lumpies, shmumpies! RUN!!!!

Take the A Train!

2009-03-25T14:51:00.000-07:00

I admit that my brother Georgie is an odd little fellow, what with his X-ray eyes and his pop issues. No, not with our dad, dodo, with pop. As in art. Ever hear of it?

Nobody in this hick town has. Don't believe me? Here's a snapshot of my life as written by this chick Suzanne Newton:

"Neal's family harbors deep secrets. His rebellious older sister Aileen is in danger of not graduating high school. His little brother Georgie has his own engulfing fear [lasik surgery?] which even Neal can't fully understand. Neal finds a fulfilling outlet in jazz music, but even this haven is not safe from the scrutiny of a small Southern town."

Man, these crackers don't know nuthin - always asking me what jazz is. Jeez, if you've gotta ask, then you don't know, do ya? That's it, Georgie bro, we're on the next train outta here!

The Throwing-Up Season

2009-03-22T13:59:00.000-07:00

What a career Mario Lopez has had! From his early days playing that cute knucklehead A.C. Slater to his twinkle-toed moves on Dancing with the Ho's to every forgettable thing in between, now comes the pinnacle of his career! He will soon be hosting a pointless...er, I mean exciting show bound to delight one and all! Get ready for Shot Put with the Stars!

Here he is showing contestants Fred Willard and Will Ferrell how it's done. I hear that Shatner just signed on! Awesome!

Pay Attention, People!

2009-03-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

The average teen would think this is about the romantic rivalry between two buff boys in teeny tiny swim shorts. Well, it's not. That's where my astute eye comes in to decipher this seemingly benign tableau. The shape of the megaphone may symbolize the romantic triangle laid out before us, but some oddities beg addressing. What are we to make of that phallic amulet around the cute boy's neck? I refuse to believe it's a whistle - an artist who can render such realistically snug fitting shorts, not to mention that mod yet modest two-toned one piece, could surely draw a simple, accurate whistle! Could this amulet be a symbol of his desire to play on the other side of the fence where the true object of his affection waits? Perhaps. He's clearly giving a coded gesture to the other hunkalicious hottie. Or is he? Take a good look at that hand. What is that thing? It's so distracting! But maybe that's the point! The artist has succeeded in distracting us by focusing on these figures who themselves are distracted. Two of them are presumably lifeguards, yet they show little interest in guarding lives. And we all know what happens the moment you take your eyes off the water!

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral

2009-03-15T14:45:00.000-07:00

Top o' the morning to you! What a fine, soft day to be wearing a fine, soft Hogwarts scarf. Unfortunately, it seems that our young hero's reverie will shortly be interrupted by the laddie with the jaunty cap purposefully striding his way. And what of the graffiti? Unify ire lad? He doesn't seem all that angry. Hmmm, unify fire lanes? Begorrah! Unify Ireland! According to the blurb, "A spiral of events in Brian O'Brien's life (yup, that really is his name) will splinter his family, leave one brother dead, and fill the quiet Brian with an awful despair that threatens its own explosion."

Poor Brian. I wish he could riverdance into a different world. One that's clean-as-a-whistle and magically delicious.

Happy St. Patty's Day on Tuesday!

The Other Side of...WTF?!

2009-03-12T15:25:00.000-07:00

Neve Campbell finds herself trapped in the bizarre world of a YA book cover where she is depicted as a pouty, windswept giantess roaming suburban backyards on a quest to protect sunbathing girls from harmful UV rays and the volatile boys in snug jeans who threaten them. I mean, what else am I to deduce from this cover? According to the blurb it's about a girl who lapses into a coma for four years (color me surprised) after her mother is murdered (I swear I'm not making this up) but does this cover in any way reflect that? ARGH!

I do like the placement and font of the title. The boy's ass.....not so much.

The Stern Warning to Mr. Angel

2009-03-08T14:51:00.000-07:00

Aww christ, wouldn'tcha know it! My shift's about to end and I'm hankering for a deep-fried treat when alls a sudden in front of my bumper there's this knucklehead tempting death by peddling without a helmet! When are these goons gonna learn? Maybe he'd like to watch this in the clink.

Maybe?!

2009-03-04T13:47:00.000-08:00

You're probably wondering why I'm sitting here looking all droopy dog depressed even though there's so much beauty in this sun-shiny world I'm sitting in. I have a fine fisherman's sweater, kickin' Fryes and cool Patti Smith eyes, so what's got me down? Well, duh, I'm in a YA novel. The storm clouds are approaching. Why don't you just open the book and read the inside blurb...

"Beth Corey hates living with her father, his new wife, and their baby, but after her mother's suici-"

STOP! See what I mean? Toss me an umbrella, won't you?

Adventures in Advertising

2009-03-01T12:55:00.000-08:00

To the CEO of American Tourister Luggage,

We are alarmed and outraged at your recent television commercial in which you thoughtlessly hawk your wares at the expense of a noble creature's dignity, one no less imprisoned! Where will it stop? Does anyone know?

Sincerely,

PETA

Dear PETA,

Please accept our apology. We have seen the error of our ways and will strive to show more compassion in our advertising campaigns. As a result, we have decided to employ an angelic moppet who will sit cross-legged atop our latest model of fine luggage and test its strength and durability by regaling you with a popular ditty.

Sincerely,

CEO of American Tourister

Dear Boss,

Please bring back the ape.

Sincerely,

American Tourister Model Suitcase #523

The CACA goes to...

2009-02-24T14:06:00.000-08:00

This just in from the Associated Press:

Sharing the spotlight with the esteemed Caldecott, Newbury and Michael Printz awards comes another type of award.

O. Pennbook, president of the ALA* had this to say: "A myriad of awards are presented each year to recognize excellence in youth literature. But what of the truly lame cover illustrations that serve to detract from this so-called fine literature? Where is their recognition? Where is their tribute for being so truly awful as to negate the intrinsic worth of a book, to cause a young impressionable mind to choose not to read? To create such an illustration demonstrates profound talent! And so, we now present the Craptastic Art Cover Awards or the CACAs. This year's winner, The Watcher in the Garden, was chosen not only for its perfect melding of the crappy with the creepy but for featuring characters from other works of fiction as depicted in their movie adaptations! That droog intensely eyeing us comes courtesy of Anthony Burgess while the greasy-haired foppish sucka in the foreground comes courtesy of Anne Rice. Bravo!"

* Association of Lame Artists, not to be confused with the American Library Association.

The Academy Award goes to...

2009-02-21T10:47:00.000-08:00

Sheesh, calm the heck down, people, it's just a movie! And a lame one at that. Yeah, I've heard all the buzz about how brave the actor was for taking on such a challenging role. How his character suffers great physical pain - it's old age, dude, get used to it! I can even understand how alarming his appearance may seem to some. Granny and little bro look like they've never seen an ugly mug before. But I'll be damned if he gets to bring home a little gold statue tomorrow night for that boring shit!

Academy, don't let me down. You know who really deserves it!

Ciao'n'Meow!

2009-02-15T15:30:00.000-08:00

If it weren't for that jerk Sebastian, I could play with my pussy in peace. (Hey, get your minds out of the gutter!)

I'll be going on vacation this week thanks to the public school system (yay!) so I won't be posting for a little while. Here are some instructions while I'm gone.

Crappy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-11T14:49:00.000-08:00

Look, girls, I get it. You want me to call all those shiny, happy people who kiss in the hallways and hold hands in the cafeteria losers just to give you a fleeting sense of superiority. I won't do that. Instead, I'd like to address all you adorkable girls out there with the bad feathered hair who idle away your free time staring into space fantasizing about being best friends with a couple of superstars; to the girls who gently hold their glasses while in deep discussion with a friend who has formed an unhealthy relationship with her volleyball; to the girls who the boys never talk to and who never get asked out; to the girls who could never really relate to the sophisticated girls with the great hair and perfect makeup and awesome disco threads; to the girls who end up eating their lunch in the music wing with all the other social outcasts,* I've got this to say to you: JUST SAY NO to that odious popularity contest coming up on February 14. Accept the fact that you will receive nary a card nor chocolate heart on that despicable Hallmark Hall of Shame Holiday. Ignore the pretty girls carrying cheap bouquets of roses into Chem class. Because you know what? Valentine's day means nothing and high school sucks! Put some music on and get over it!

* Even though this pretty much sums up my wretched life c.1978, I did not, in fact, have a close friend with an unhealthy attachment to a volleyball...tho that would have been fun!

2009-02-09T15:11:00.000-08:00

A couple of readers told me that they didn't realize my posts contain links within the text. For anyone else who didn't realize that, just click on the highlighted underlined words and you'll be taken to another place and time!

Going Down the Road (feeling confused)

2009-02-08T15:26:00.000-08:00

Something about this image is jogging my memory. I've never read this particular book, yet I'm certain I've read something that describes this illustration perfectly! Excuse me while I sift through some musty boxes of tomes in the basement. Yes, here it is! Right on page 315 of the 1968 edition of the Official Handbook of the Boy Scouts of America:

When road-tripping in a hippie van, your troop may come across an old camp in the woods, the cabins of which may show signs of recent meteorite damage. Occupying such a place, you may encounter the likes of old Stella Blueshoes and her crazy hunchbacked son, ruthless members of a mostly female North Woods crime syndicate called the Sharkes. Your only defense is to have a statue of Anubis propped on the front seat of the van.

I was curious about this strange warning, particularly the odd instruction concerning Anubis, an Egyptian God of the Dead. None of this can be found in any other scouting handbook, both in previous and subsequent years. On further inspection, I found a name in the editorial masthead in the 1968 edition which sheds some light, albeit from a lava lamp, on this mystery.

Photography 101

2009-02-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

I love this book cover! Finally, a title font that complements the illustration. And the placement of the author's name (who, by the way, is still a prolific YA novelist) is perfect. But enough of that, I want to jump aboard the Crystal love train - she is pure pop 80's perfection! From her hoop earrings to her neon pink tunic; from her knock off Chanel belt to her shiny

leggings, her hotness is melting the polar ice caps! This girl's got it on, especially while gracing the paps with a pose as she's leaving her steel-clad fortress of fashion. The world will know who she is. She's ready for .........!

Uh-oh. I got so blinded by Crystal, that I missed something that's a bit off, something of a "Persian flaw" the artist tossed into an otherwise perfect composition. Do you see it? Look carefully. Girl is gonna be pissed when she turns to tomorrow's "Seen About Town" column of the paper and lays her Cover Girl eyes on this!

Seriously, the angle and distance of that camera lens is so off. Arghhh!

Dear Everyone

2009-02-01T10:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Everyone,

I've had it. I learned to accept my unfortunate first name and all its cruel variations my peers find so amusing - Transy, Pansy, Mansy - you name it. I even learned to live with the inexplicable and sudden shrinking of my parents. But now I find myself being caught in the middle of their pen-and- ink-stippled world of anger and depression and I just. can't. cope. Mom is always pissed off; Dad just stares at the wall wearing that same dirty turtleneck day after day. If I hear one more teacher or guidance counselor tell me to turn my frown upside down I will have a cow, I swear! It is time for my liberation. Goodbye cruel world. Hello to a new one. I have a plan.

Love, Tanz

*This was the last known document to be verified as written by Tansy Warner. She disappeared from her home in Nutley, New Jersey on January 31, 1989. It is the belief, of those who knew her, that in the years that followed her mysterious disappearance she somehow managed to disguise her gender, hone her acting talents and enter into a very lucrative career in film and television. This has yet to be proven.

Violins Totally Rawk!

2009-01-28T13:48:00.000-08:00

No, I am not Joshua Bell. Gawd, why does everyone think I look like him? It's so annoying. Even more annoying is my sister Peggy. She thinks she's so cute and clever by referring to me as second fiddle of the family (hardy har, Pegleg) and saying stuff like "fiddle-dee-dee" when I ask her to please get her goddamn humongo accordion case off the goddamn table, it's blocking the goddamn TV, jeez! She's just sore because mom and dad make her take those dorky accordion lessons and I got to pick a cool instrument. So now she's always dissin' on my strings. Yeah, Pegasuck, like playing polka is all that! Well I'm not embarrassed to look you right in the eye and tell you that violin players are the hippest cats in the whole friggin world and universe. So there, Square Peg!

Exsqueeze me?

2009-01-25T15:41:00.000-08:00

Poor Peggy Pressungkasten! She's trying desperately hard to envision herself playing a cello or a tenor sax or just about anything else with a higher coolness quotient than an accordion. She will not make eye contact with you. It would crush her. Instead, she'll gather up whatever inner strength she has left and look heavenward whilst constructing a fantasy of her musical savior The King, accompanying her in a polka duet. If only she could time travel forward to 2009, she would not feel so alone in her dorkitude. She would rule!

Look Again

2009-01-22T13:08:00.000-08:00

This is the most perfectly rendered chain link fence I have ever seen. The twists and turns of every link have been masterfully and lovingly painted to truly capture the form and function of this quotidian barrier. It's so damn beautiful, I feel compelled to write a lyric poem about it, or at least climb it! It's too bad all of the artist's anal retentive efforts went into it because when he got to the girl he FORGOT TO GIVE HER A HAND!! He gave her a stump. Poor girl. I know this dude she can get in touch with. He helped another tennis chick who had a lot more missing than a hand.

A Failure to Communicate

2009-01-19T14:55:00.000-08:00

Yes, it will be quite difficult to survive your life with a head that resembles something you'd use to scrape day-old pasta off a dinner plate. If only the young lady in question had been a better communicator. Her unfortunate predicament (which I'm sure will be tearfully transcribed in her precious diary) began with her love of a popular daytime soap opera. She told her hairstylist that she wanted to look exactly like the star. She should have been more specific, no?

Hey, get a looksee at the artist's signature - I knew I had seen his work before!

Dude, Chill!

2009-01-14T15:43:00.000-08:00

Someone's been sleeping *coughguardcough* on the job. Yeah, loser, we all see the empty expanse in the Dutch Masters room, but who exactly are you shouting at? You're the night guard, bozo! No one else is there to hear your urgent shouts or witness your manic gesturing. Even Jan Van Jauntyhatten is sneering at your pathetic display. So turn your incredibly boxy flashlight off, calm the hell down and call the real authorities.

Edited three hours ago to add:

Um, I'm a bit embarrassed right now and wouldn't blame my readers if they left me at this point. You see, it was just

revealed to me that the night guard was not freaking out over stolen art. Yes, a painting was there, but it's out on loan to a museum in Springfield. What led to our hero's apoplectic fit was the aesthetically discordant font floating above his head. Damn right it's awful - I say give this man a raise!

Ah, Wilderness

2009-01-12T13:58:00.000-08:00

Lew and Ed had counted the days leading up to their weekend getaway on the Cahulawassee River. They needed a break from their stifling suburban lives, a chance to just be guys messing around in the wilderness - no girl drama, no homework, no mom telling them to eat with a fork. With the money they had tucked away from their paper routes they were able to rent the most awesome canoe ever - looked like the friggin' jawbone of a giant sea predator! They were having the time of their lives navigating the rapids, tracking wildlife and cooking on an open fire. That is until they heard the unmistakable strum of a banjo in the distance. Hope they brought a crossbow with them - they may need it.

Big Red

2009-01-04T14:05:00.000-08:00

I'm the first to say that redheaded women are gorgeous creatures. Redheaded boys, eh, not so much. They're generally buffoons or just elfish and creepy, like the little guy here sporting the boxing gloves (I like how he's ready to give a quick jab to the author's name). I'm curious about the wee action figure striking that manly pose in the background. Is it supposed to be a representation of the little boy's future self? If so... see what I mean about creepy male redheads.

Okay, I am SO sorry about that last image. I really am. It should only be used as a secret weapon in the war against terror or overdue library books. As an apology, you can cleanse your senses with one helluva great song about a redhead.

Happy Trails!

2009-01-04T13:25:00.000-08:00

I'm going to give all of those sad YA covergirls a break and focus on their male counterparts during the next few posts. Although not as woeful, they have their problems too, mostly concerning sports, cars and ingenious ways to get sad, woeful girls into the backseats of cars.

This is a really fine example of 1970's book jacket design. Overall it's pleasing to the eye and the font works, but I have to conclude that the illustrator:

1) was a frequent consumer of hallucinogenic drugs (that's not camera shake - those are real trails there)

2) was a frequent consumer of Mr. Kroc's popular burger emporium. How else to explain that hair!

You Go, Girl!

2009-01-03T06:10:00.000-08:00

This was a night to remember - history in the making! In a classic battle of the sexes, Brynwood Prep was vying for the All County Championship Title against those badasses from St. Mary's School for Wayward Girls. Bud Jenkins wasn't gonna let some girl get in the way of his glory. Sure, the purple uniform was distracting. So was the perfectly feathered hair carrying with it a heady floral scent. No, what he hadn't counted on, didn't see coming until he went for the dunk in the last second of play, was the freakishly long right arms these mutant chicks possessed!

Happy 2009!

(Image found especially for the Alfieri's!)

2008-12-21T19:59:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!

I'll be taking a blog break until the new year.

Have a holly jolly ho-ho holiday!

As a parting gift, I'd like to reacquaint you with a special guest (featured in an earlier post) who graced a card I just received from my sweetheart (Thanks, John!) If it didn't cause your retinas to spontaneously detach the first time around, then chances are it won't present a danger now. C'mon, I dare you to click on the link. I know your curiosity is greater than your instinct for self preservation. Go ahead, just click!

A Public Service Announcement

2008-12-18T13:52:00.000-08:00

Listen up, girls. Beware of clean cut young men who approach you outside of school propped up by a crutch. That short crutch is a dead giveaway that his handicap is purely fauxsical. One word springs to mind - BUNDY! NO, not that one - this one! Sure, he'll sweet talk you and compliment your fine, aesthetic taste in plaid and your exceptionally beautiful tang-colored hair, but I say kick that crutch out from under him and knock his teeth out. Sure, he'll pretend that he can't get up because of his "handicap." Stomp on his balls until he screams for mercy, then shove that Trapper Keeper in his mouth - that'll keep his serial-killing trap shut! Uh-oh, the principal's coming. What's that you say, Mr. Jackson? He's a transfer student from Jersey? And he lost his leg in an escalator accident? Um.....my bad.

Tequila!!

2008-12-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

Before you see what I see, let me tell you what happened last night. I was wearing my supercool burgundy velour ensemble while Jazzercising when my annoying lab partner/next door neighbor (and major asswipe) Ian, showed up and said, "Turn that record off and come outside. I gotta show you something!" So he took me over to the old Herman homestead, "What's the BFD?" I asked. Now, you gotta realize something. Mr. Herman is a bit odd - immature I'd guess you'd say. He doesn't drive a car and he wears funny clothes. But leave the crazy dude alone. Ian is always spying on him and shit, so I was pretty irritated to be included. Ian makes us crouch down all spylike and he starts pointing (I've got to add here that he was wearing that super lame faux sheepskin jacket that he loves so much he might as well just marry it and those ugly Nikes...gawd, I hate them! Chuck's are the shizz, yo!) and he says, "Do you see what I see?" "Well duh," I says, "of course I see it. Can't a poor guy dance? I'm outta here!"

Half-baked Half-gods

2008-12-11T13:14:00.000-08:00

When half-gods go....where?

crazy?

potty?

wee wee wee all the way home?

What kind of highfalutin mishmosh is this?

Translated from the German raises a red flag right there. A title taken from the last stanza of a DWP's* famous work gives me pause - I don't know if my meager intellect can handle it. Then we've got this bizarre assemblage of surreal parts to ponder. Is that a Ford Pinto!? And what is this love affair that illustrators have with dead-eyed creepy kids? For the love of a half-god...Stop staring into my soul!

*Dead White Poet

Forever and a day and a few weeks, too.

2008-12-07T14:58:00.000-08:00

It does go on forever. Why? Because it's a young adult novel. 'Nuff said. Except for this excerpt:

"Mary Alice lay with her eyes half closed looking at the curtains again. She had been looking at the curtains for three or four days now. Or perhaps it was three or four weeks. It was hard to be sure. Time had slowed down, come almost to a stop..."

How compelling! All those days and weeks of endless curtain-gazing through half closed eyes. Like the road itself, the action and intrigue go on forever!

I don't know about you, but I'm getting a reptilian vibe off of Mary Alice.

Been Smug Forever

2008-12-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

Ignore the smug douchebag there and take in the cornucopia of technology he's amassed. That sexy

uber genius tacked up on the wall is no doubt impressed. Is that a Betamax? And a Commodore PET? I bet it's fully loaded with all the latest DOS apps. I particularly like those giant super-cushy headphones. Makes me want to put them on and sing Girl. Speaking of which, do you see what the lovely long-haired girl (clearly not impressed with any of it) is wearing? Look closely. Slouch Socks! I miss slouch socks. The only time you see them anymore is during tick season.

What do you suppose the "Save" poster is all about? My guess... Save the Slouch Socks!

18.1

2008-12-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

I hope you all had a yummy Thanksgiving. How nice to have an extended weekend to reflect and give thanks for everything meaningful and dear to our hearts, as well as for all the little things that make us smile. I, for one, am giddy with thanks to whoever created this crazy cover. It really has it all - a nerdboy, an authentic Commodore calculator zipping through space and a gorgeous salon makeover!

Holding Me Here....how?

2008-11-24T13:49:00.000-08:00

I don't understand how someone with the mad art skillz to draw a fairly lifelike depiction of a girl hasn't yet mastered simple two-point perspective. Is it a deliberate, sort of ironic play on the title? Because it sure looks like she's about to slide off the cover. It reminds me of the old Batman TV series with all of those skewed camera angles.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Road to Depression

2008-11-20T14:02:00.000-08:00

Forget about the insanely creepy eyes of the kid - we've all seen them on these covers. What I'm curious about is the time period being depicted here. The kids look like they shop at Old Navy. One's in a denim jacket, the other in a hoodie. Then why is a Model -T school bus on the road? Is it en route to a classic car show? Or did these two teens stumble through a time portal and are now bracing themselves for the fiscal chill of the Great Depression? I don't know. My guess is that there was a failure of communication between the publisher and the artist. The artist was told the book was about depression (i.e. a young adult novel) and misconstrued this to mean the depression.

And don't get me started on the author's name.

Just Say No!

2008-11-16T16:29:00.000-08:00

With autumn blowing in and the leaves turning, falling and being raked into big crunchy piles I thought I'd post a leafcentric seasonal cover. However, after regarding the smiley foursome (who apparently don't mind invading each other's personal circles of space), I've come to the conclusion that this book is not about oak leaves or elm leaves but of another kind of leaf entirely. Yes children, getting high on maryjane may leave you grinning from ear to ear, but a more insidious side effect is the inability to just say no to the self-tanner.

Note to Jean Ure: Now this is the book you should have written!

Beach Boy Baby Snatcher

2008-11-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

I must've missed the very special Hallmark Hall of Fame adaptation of this gripping YA novel, starring Brian Wilson (hey, he had bills to pay) and the irrepressibly zany Mayim Bialik as two crazy canoe instructors leading double lives as baby snatchers! Yup, must've missed that one. Check out the load in that little guy's pants! No, I meant Brian's. Yes, children, back in the early 80's grown men paraded around in short-shorts without any hint of embarrassment.

I think I will be sick now.

The bitch is back!

2008-11-09T16:16:00.000-08:00

The summer of Sassy Jo was filled with hour-long segments of ham-handed dialogue, implausible plots, extreme melodrama and exorbitant applications of hair mousse. By the end of that summer, Sassy Jo had become

Sammy Jo!

SHHHHHHHH

2008-11-06T11:48:00.000-08:00

I always thought there was but one kind of silence. You know, the kind when there isn't any noise. But after giving it some (silent) thought, I realize that there are several kinds of silence. There are moments of silence, vows of silence, the right to remain silent, the deafening silence one hears in oxymoronville, the cone of silence and of course, the silence of the lambs. There's also the kind of silence that surrounds oneself while wearing awesome slouch socks!

ps - Hope Won!!

Don't Drink and Drive, Kids

2008-11-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

Mare Winningham is perturbed because her trivial pursuit game is being held up by...dun-dun-dunnnn...teenage drinking! I know I saw this as an ABC afterschool special. Michelle Pfieffer played Mare's friend and the dumb lug was played by Val Kilmer. I don't remember much (hey, I was probably chugging down Wild Turkey at the time) except that Val gets really wasted and plows his Pinto into Mare. His automobile, you dirty dogs. I loved those afterschool specials. They served up all the shocking teen issues of the day with a sickening side of cheezwhiz and ham. But enough of that, check out Mare's awesome slouch socks - those were the bomb, yo! Kinda like the Uggs of my era. Only not as ugly.

The Stuff of Nightmares

2008-10-29T15:08:00.000-07:00

What is more frightfully disturbing?

a) the.. ahem... bustiness of the young girl.

b) the oddly mesmerizing creases of her pants.

c) oh my fucking christ, will ya look at her arms...and her feet! She's a... a... a...MARIONETTE! Run for your lives!

And with that, I'll leave you with this.

Happy

Halloween!

Eyes that Paralyze.

2008-10-28T14:14:00.000-07:00

Please kid, I'm begging you, take my duck, take anything, just...

You're creeping me out!

The Monster Mash

2008-10-23T14:54:00.000-07:00

With Halloween almost upon us, I thought I'd feature some ultra creeptastic cover illustrations. The symbolism here is not at all subtle - everyone knows that white lilies symbolize the departure of the soul. Behind the blooms of death a trio of clairol-loving vampires, one of whom is in need of a fast-acting antacid, have just initiated an unsuspecting sister in their undead ways. Their leader Spike, who has the commanding presence to pull off a lavender manbag, is unaware of the zombie in the distance. But wait, that's no zombie! He isn't hungry for brains, he's hungry for.......!

Been There, Done That

2008-10-20T15:51:00.000-07:00

He's like, "Yer face...it needs mai kisses." And she's like, "Ok, now ure startin to bore me." Even the billboard artist found this yawnfest too tiresome to complete. Seriously, have you ever seen such a perfect depiction of ennui?

Line Dancing is Cool

2008-10-16T15:21:00.000-07:00

Hoooo-boy! Git ready for some toe-tapping twang from Anne-Marie's latest album. I love her cowgirl fashion but what's with the font on her life-sized poster? That's the kind of lettering you would see in the Shire. The diner-style title font is also incongruous with the country western theme. Fonts aside, I am very much digging the denim stylings of the boy with the exquisitely tweezed brows and cuffed Wranglers. You just know he's prepared for anything. I'm assuming his friend Red, there, is a transplant from the city. That would explain the corporate product placement. Doesn't he know real men wear boots?

Finding Nothin'!

2008-10-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

Psst! Up here - it's me, Fever, hiding in a square void in the forest. Don't ask me how I got here, the important thing is that I'm finally free of those two. I couldn't take it anymore - their endless dabbling with hair products, eyebrow tweezers, exfoliating loofahs and moisturizing masks. They've been like that all their lives! But not with me, no sirree, I'm putting my paw down! They can find another dog to humiliate. I just want to roll in the mud, chase squirrels and eat food out of the trash. I'm not gonna let some nancy-boys paint my nails and try to give me a home perm. They can look for me all they want...I won't be found!

Have you built your fallout shelter yet?

2008-10-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

No ifs about it, winter will come - nuclear winter, that is. Let me explain. At first I thought this was the story of a moon launch or some such benign event, but it's about two teens and the rest of the planet facing possible NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION! Good times! An example of the cheery prose found within:

"A longing thudded against her (I'll say - probably from Screech there in his most dramatic role ever). She lifted her face up to the bathing warmth of the sun. Tomorrow it might be gone, shut out by a cloud of lethal fallout, death-bearing ash."

That's right half-pint, enjoy the sunshine now, for you'll forever be trapped in time on a book cover featuring those YA staples: romance, death and the mighty phallic symbol. Sheesh, they're everywhere, aren't they?!

That's what the kids call it

2008-10-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

Did you know that slaying the dragon is a euphemism for choking the chicken, which is a euphemism for spanking the monkey, which is a euphemism for flailing the whale, which is a ...oh, you know! But alas, there are no dragons being slayed in this tableau. With his skimpy shorts and come hither pose, perhaps our young hero is waiting for his very own St. George to slay his dragon. No, not that George, this one!

No animals were harmed in the making of this post, dragons or otherwise.

Speaking of Squintiness

2008-10-04T12:47:00.000-07:00

Do you see it? There in the yellow flower? Egads - a tiny dragon! Pretty trippy stuff coming from the queen of foxiness. I'd lay off the Boone's Farm if I were her. But getting back to the cover, I think the illustrator has the uncanny ability to predict what a certain Hollywood celeb is gonna look like in the year 2038 or thereabouts. Renee, honey - your face is gonna freeze like that!

Care to join us?

2008-10-01T12:09:00.000-07:00

"Hi there, gorgeous. The name's Sheila. Ms. Hayes if you're nasty. You may be wondering why such a foxy lady, with bedroom eyes and a 36-inch Jordache rise, is hanging out in this blog. Well, I am a YA author, duh! We'll get to my book later. Right now I've got a date with his royal studliness. We'll be taking our sexy poses down to the local wine and cheese joint where we'll feed each other hot, gooey morsels of deliciousness from the fondue crock and get blitzed on a jug of Boone's Farm strawberry wine. Ahhhh, heaven!"

When Mannequins Come to Life!

2008-09-28T12:37:00.000-07:00

What's wrong with this picture? The girl on the left appears to be a living, breathing girl - the other I'm not so sure about. Miss Cable Knit is seriously creeping me out. She has an unearthly pallor, dead eyes, stiff posture and a hideous wig. But why would a YA novel be about a mannequin? Unless it's the story of a lonely, friendless girl who gets in touch with some dude named Lars and with his help gets a BFF of her own! But she specifically asked for the long haired model, dammit!

Girls in Love

2008-09-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

There's a whole market for LGBT teens right now - David Levithan and Julie Anne Peters are two of the best among many others - but back in '82 it was the rare book that addressed the issue. I've read this book and it's a very moving, very real story set against a great NYC backdrop. I could see a gay or confused teen finding much comfort and affirmation here, but oy vey, this cover! Yeah, I know not every lesbian looks like this, but girls, would it kill you to iron the flannel and put a comb through your hair?

A Killing Freak!

2008-09-18T14:59:00.000-07:00

Whoa! Another cover featuring a huge freaky dude reaching out to grab ya! Obviously a different artist -quite proud of his finished work (notice the signature at the lower left). I would kill to have the original prominently displayed in my home. What I find especially, um, special about this one, besides the ambiguously gendered kid with the awesome jewfro, is that other bit of tonsorial artistry very cleverly concealed. Do you see it? That crazy frozen giant has a Tree of Life chinbeard! I've never seen that before. Cool!

How to Fascinate Jason

2008-09-16T14:56:00.000-07:00

Hey Jason, you sensuous man, you - want to know how to fascinate women? Lose the Nugent poster (really, he's not a very nice guy), put this on your stereophonic turntable, and fer chrissakes, put your eyes back in your head! What're you looking at that's so astonishing anyway? Oh, this. Perhaps you're not ready for girls.

Bad Timing

2008-09-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

Why the long face, Denny? You're a good-looking kid rockin' the flattop and leather jacket. You've got a trunkful of cassettes to sell featuring all the hottest

sounds of the day to help pay off those bitchin' wheels. Life should be good. Oh yeah, all the cool kids are buying these things now. Bummer.

This or That

2008-09-11T14:27:00.000-07:00

There can only be two explanations to account for this disturbing scene.

Scenario #1. Some bullies overhear Nerdboy saying he has a girlfriend (this is a fib). They threaten him with the wedgie of all wedgie s unless he comes to the dance on Friday with his "girlfriend." Because Nerdboy is super smart, he builds himself a Robogirl. He thought she would look like this, but instead he ends up with a scrawny, oddly dressed beanie-wearing 7th grader. But time's a wasting and he'll just have to make do. As he's getting ready to go, Robogirl's systems crash and she slams her synthetic head into the home-made monitor. The electromagnetism causes a lightning storm as Nerdboy looks on in horror.

Scenario #2. Nerdboy has a sister he really, really hates. Hates everything about her, from the top of her beanie to the soles of her Doc Martin's. She's always snooping around, too - like today, Nerdboy caught her messing with his papers. He's got a system, dammit, and now she's gone and messed it all up! Nerdboy thinks horrible thoughts about her - how he'd like to smash her skull open, but before he can tell her to get the heck out, BLAM, an invisible force propels her headfirst into the monitor and she DIES! Nerdboy realizes that he has an incredible power......and he can't wait to use it, bwahaha!

Really, what else could Blossom Culp's dreadful future possibly be about?

Kreepy!

2008-09-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, so you're a kid browsing the new fiction in your school library and you see this ghastly, nightmare-inducing cover. Would you want to read this book?Jeezus, I would be afraid to touch it. What does creepy old dude keep? Promises? Secrets? Young boys? And do you recognize these two? I just know I've seen them before, but I can't quite put my finger on it................................................I've got it! I had no idea they juggled book cover modeling gigs with movie

stardom!

I Got You, Babe

2008-09-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

The usually flamboyant Cher sheds her sequins for one of her most dramatic roles ever! No, not as a card carrying member of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits, but as an English Lit teacher who feels a stirring in the polyester for one of her students, played by the adorable, not yet crazy Thetan, Tom Cruise. Will their forbidden love, in all its purity and passion shatter the boundaries of teacher/student relations? Or will dude #2 screw everything up? Beats me!

Wha...?

2008-09-04T14:08:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what the frikkity frak this is all about! The images are so random. Perhaps if I take a peek inside I'll get a better understanding....

...."Pretty Cindy Lou Hensley is torn between the hot rocker in town and the soldier that got all those medals in 'Nam. One night she dreams of a Native American dude with lasers coming out of his cheeks who speaks thusly, 'Girl of sky eyes and hair of wheat, forget these losers. When the beets in the field have grown and the sheep in the meadow approach, you will meet a mysterious man of many skills. With you at his side, he will bring hope and the promise of change to our dying land.'

Does the prophecy come true? You betcha!

Denim vs. Khaki

2008-09-02T14:22:00.000-07:00

I wish a movie had been made about Gardine and Hanover dramatizing their Junior Year Fashion Feud! One likes the pleated khaki's, while the other prefers baggy Wrangler's pegged at the ankle (so becoming). The only thing they can agree on is the height of the waist. Is the picture behind them a snapshot of their happier past when all it took was a ride on a banana seat bicycle to keep the peace? Please girls, can't we all just get along and accept each other's poor clothing choices? Oh, right, you're teenage girls. Forget I even brought it up.

Back to School

2008-09-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd post an illustration of happy, smiling youngsters for all my teacher friends out there. I love this kid - from his flattop to his jaunty "yeah, I'm too cool for school" pose to his walkman (most likely playing this guy). The crowd behind him looks pretty stoked as well. The only thing that could possibly go wrong in this scenario would be a pigeon attack!

Bravo!

2008-08-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

What a difference in our summer covers! I love this illustration...the wistful Kirk Cameron wannabe thinking of those summer girls he'll never meet, his smirking sister with the walkman (I'll bet she's listening to these guys), the font that ties in beautifully with the nautical theme...I'm sorry, I just can't find anything to criticize here. Richard Peck was a top notch YA author of his generation and this book is absolutely charming - so if you've got something snarky to say, bring it on!

The Summer I Learned about Dull Illustration

2008-08-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

This post and the next one will feature summer in the title, as we all come closer to kissing these lazy, hazy days goodbye. This story is about a teenage girl growing up in the 1920's who wants to ditch the domestic arts and learn how to fly a plane. That's a pretty exciting premise, encompassing girl-power within the historical context, but this cover, eh, not so much. A static font, a stiff pose, and a drab composition would have me shelve this book, not savor it. The 1920's were roaring, not boring!

Courage, Dana!

2008-08-25T10:08:00.000-07:00

You'll need it, trapped as you are on the cover of a YA novel (tho this one looks a bit Middle School) trying to look as small as possible while sitting in a graveyard. Good thing you have that bag of "Yum Yum Tasty Chips" as solace against the terror that will soon follow.

Men are from Mars, Women are Different

2008-08-24T13:21:00.000-07:00

Isn't this intriguing? A girl in hideous track pants hitched up in a seductive manner has rudely flopped down on the lap of a boy practicing his etudes. She has just told him something shocking! The boy looks positively befuddled and panicked at her disclosure. I could make many inappropriate comments here, but I'm too lazy right now, so I invite my readers (all 3 of you) to help me out on this one. Let's hear it people - how exactly is she different?

Composition 101

2008-08-21T14:16:00.000-07:00

The Bennington Stitch is that stabbing pain you get in your side when posing for the artist of a YA book cover. Who hires these people? Who sees the preliminary sketches and says, "Yeah, go for it!" Pony girl is completely shutting us out with her pose, the woman to the right is exhibiting body language that says she's had enough of this crap, goddammit, and the guy appears to have stumbled into the picture by chance, only to have the artist say, "Dude, ever think about modeling?" To fully complete this fine example of what every YA illustration needs, the artist has graced us with a rather exaggerated rendering of college architecture.

Psycho Killer Qu'est-ce que c'est?

2008-08-18T11:16:00.000-07:00

That's right, don't look in her eyes - just keep carrying her on your back for all of eternity to avoid her demonic gaze. Frankly, I don't know what this book could possibly be about. It has one of the most awkwardly composed covers I've ever seen. The toddler's arms seem freakishly long. And is it a boy giving the piggyback ride or a girl with a sassy Dorothy Hamill do? And what could possibly be in the brown paper bag? Answers, people! Clumsy as the drawing is, I find myself intrigued, so onward to the description...

...."Jason was twelve when his psychotic mother abandoned him and his 15-month old brother Chad."

But of course - what's a YA novel without a psychotic mother?

A String of Cheese

2008-08-17T13:57:00.000-07:00

I'll get to the baby in a moment, but first let's discuss the hair. This is a style more suited to a 6-year-old than a teen. Where are the feathered wings? What self-repecting girl would style her hair like this in 1982? Maybe she's an android, and her makers didn't have the latest catalogue from Hot Cuts. That would also explain her cool detachment and the baby's look of sheer terror. Babies know. Or maybe I've just been watching too much Battlestar Galactica these days. Thankfully, this cover hasn't let me down completely - once again we are revisited by that staple of YA book cover illustration - the freaky floating head of an elderly woman.

Make it stop!

2008-08-14T12:16:00.000-07:00

Another ghoulish story courtesy of the Grim Reaper, aka YA novelist Claudia Mills. Can you imagine the convo that went on in the art director's office with this one?

"I want what looks like a tombstone smack dab in the middle, or just a portal to hell would be ok, and I want the colors to be really sombre. Oh, and could you float the head of a girl right in the center of it. The author says she's preoccupied with death - make her look sad and confused, like she's thinking, 'Good God, does death ever take a holiday around here?'

What's that you say? Her hair? Hell, I don't care - do whatever you want with the hair."

You just know the artist's favorite part was creating that perfectly flipped and feathered hair!

Who what?! Tell us already!

2008-08-13T14:50:00.000-07:00

a) likes to smear white clown makeup all over your face and watch the boys in their teeny-tiny gym shorts run laps?

b) likes to lean against the true-to-scale replica of Carey High School you constructed soley out of balsa wood and dippity-do?

c) had a run-in with the po-po after dropping mesc at that chick concert?

d) the one whose sister is dead.

Since this is a YA novel, I think you know the answer to that one.

Yummmmmmm!

2008-08-11T05:28:00.000-07:00

But I like it, like it, yes I do! Don't tell my secret crush that there's a new hottie in town (albeit rendered in gouache) and he's rockin the feathered hair and keyboards like nobody's business. There's nothing like a sexy Piano man...swoon!

Express Train to Sears

2008-08-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

I'm glad it clearly states that this is a novel, lest we mistake it for being a true account of events. However, after some investigative digging, I uncovered a little known occurrence of September 30, 1887, known as the June Bug Local. Seems that author P.J. Petersen spiced up the particulars of that exciting tale of a train hostage situation and adding elements from a classic film, made the story even more palatable for a YA audience, complete with a sassy protagonist in a trendy jean jacket and prairie skirt and a juvenile delinquent in requisite leather jacket with zippy zippers. Lookout boy obviously prefers his mother to choose his clothes.

Fire the Art Director

2008-08-07T06:02:00.000-07:00

I'd like to know who the creative genius was behind this gem. There are so many things wrong here. The font looks like those iron-on letters we all bought to make cool custom t-shirts, so I can't really diss that choice - it's all very keeping with the time. The leaning Tower of Eiffel is another matter entirely. I understand that the use of a striking phallic symbol may get the hormonally charged youngsters to choose this book over others, but yeck, what's with the neon-outlined figures in the foreground? They are seriously creeping me out, especially the dude with the deformed paddle hand standing behind Toulouse-Lautrec. According to the blurb, a kid named Jack "makes peculiar friends and sees the Eiffel Tower under unusual circumstances." Most likely involving hallucinogens.

Worst Title Evah!

2008-08-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

God's Radar? What the hell does that mean? I have a feeling this is not about lovable Cpl. Walter O'Reilly. According to the blurb, Roxie (who I assume is the girl with the sassy flip) is "torn between love and love (huh?), belief and belief (huh?). She has to make a choice (abortion!) and find an answer or risk being torn apart." Torn apart? Let the bloodbath begin!

I Don't Want to Know!

2008-08-05T12:23:00.000-07:00

Really, I don't. Because I have a dirty mind and I'm gonna automatically think that the family secret is brother/sister incest!! Look at the picture - they're related, right? They both have that look like they're one chromosome short of Down's. And what's with his hands - does he have twelve fingers? Is it the entire family's secret? And why are they clutching each other in a void? Where the hell are they supposed to be - in front of a photo screen at the local JCPenney Portrait studio?

Attention Whore!

2008-08-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

WTF is my stupid sister doing now?! God, I hate her! Always trying to get attention. Last week it was that unfortunate Pop Rocks incident, last night it was that lame attempt at channeling Janis Joplin at the seance, and now she's going all Da Vinci on me with her latest flying contraption. It never ends! Even the birds are embarrassed for her. She's looking at me, isn't she, seeing if I notice? Don't look at her - you'll only encourage her. Contemplate my gorgeous blond hair and furrowed brow instead.

I am so not ticklish!

2008-08-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

I dare ya...I am so not ticklish. Go ahead, tickle my foot. I can take it, you'll see, not ticklish a biiiiiii....STOP IT! I can't take it - stop the tickling!!! PLEEEEEASE, I'll give you my high waisted jordaches andandand my boyfriend's shirt andandandand my curling iron andmycool huarache sandals....JUST STOP TICKLING MEEEEEEEE FER CHRISSSAKES!!!