The Throwing-Up Season

What a career Mario Lopez has had! From his early days playing that cute knucklehead A.C. Slater to his twinkle-toed moves on Dancing with the Ho's to every forgettable thing in between, now comes the pinnacle of his career! He will soon be hosting a pointless...er, I mean exciting show bound to delight one and all! Get ready for Shot Put with the Stars!

Here he is showing contestants Fred Willard and Will Ferrell how it's done. I hear that Shatner just signed on! Awesome!

Pay Attention, People!

The average teen would think this is about the romantic rivalry between two buff boys in teeny tiny swim shorts. Well, it's not. That's where my astute eye comes in to decipher this seemingly benign tableau. The shape of the megaphone may symbolize the romantic triangle laid out before us, but some oddities beg addressing. What are we to make of that phallic amulet around the cute boy's neck? I refuse to believe it's a whistle - an artist who can render such realistically snug fitting shorts, not to mention that mod yet modest two-toned one piece, could surely draw a simple, accurate whistle! Could this amulet be a symbol of his desire to play on the other side of the fence where the true object of his affection waits? Perhaps. He's clearly giving a coded gesture to the other hunkalicious hottie. Or is he? Take a good look at that hand. What is that thing? It's so distracting! But maybe that's the point! The artist has succeeded in distracting us by focusing on these figures who themselves are distracted. Two of them are presumably lifeguards, yet they show little interest in guarding lives. And we all know what happens the moment you take your eyes off the water!

Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral

Top o' the morning to you! What a fine, soft day to be wearing a fine, soft Hogwarts scarf. Unfortunately, it seems that our young hero's reverie will shortly be interrupted by the laddie with the jaunty cap purposefully striding his way. And what of the graffiti? Unify ire lad? He doesn't seem all that angry. Hmmm, unify fire lanes? Begorrah! Unify Ireland!  According to the blurb, "A spiral of events in Brian O'Brien's life (yup, that really is his name) will splinter his family, leave one brother dead, and fill the quiet Brian with an awful despair that threatens its own explosion." 

Poor Brian. I wish he could riverdance into a different world. One that's clean-as-a-whistle and magically delicious. 

Happy St. Patty's Day on Tuesday! 

The Other Side of...WTF?!

Neve Campbell finds herself trapped in the bizarre world of a YA book cover where she is depicted as a pouty, windswept giantess roaming suburban backyards on a quest to protect sunbathing girls from harmful UV rays and the volatile boys in snug jeans who threaten them. I mean, what else am I to deduce from this cover? According to the blurb it's about a girl who lapses into a coma for four years (color me surprised) after her mother is murdered (I swear I'm not making this up) but does this cover in any way reflect that? ARGH! 

I do like the placement and font of the title. The boy's ass.....not so much.    

The Stern Warning to Mr. Angel

Aww christ, wouldn'tcha know it! My shift's about to end and I'm hankering for a deep-fried treat when alls a sudden in front of my bumper there's this knucklehead tempting death by peddling without a helmet! When are these goons gonna learn? Maybe he'd like to watch this in the clink.

Maybe?!

You're probably wondering why I'm sitting here looking all droopy dog depressed even though there's so much beauty in this sun-shiny world I'm sitting in. I have a fine fisherman's sweater, kickin' Fryes and cool Patti Smith eyes, so what's got me down? Well, duh, I'm in a YA novel. The storm clouds are approaching. Why don't you just open the book and read the inside blurb...

"Beth Corey hates living with her father, his new wife, and their baby, but after her mother's suici-" 

STOP! See what I mean? Toss me an umbrella, won't you?

Adventures in Advertising

To the CEO of American Tourister Luggage,

We are alarmed and outraged at your recent television commercial in which you thoughtlessly hawk your wares at the expense of a noble creature's dignity, one no less imprisoned! Where will it stop? Does anyone know?

Sincerely,

PETA

Dear PETA,

Please accept our apology. We have seen the error of our ways and will strive to show more compassion in our advertising campaigns. As a result, we have decided to employ an angelic moppet who will sit cross-legged atop our latest model of fine luggage and test its strength and durability by regaling you with a popular ditty.

Sincerely,

CEO of American Tourister

Dear Boss,

Please bring back the ape.

Sincerely, 

American Tourister Model Suitcase #523