Merry Christmas!

I'll be taking a blog break until the new year. 

Have a holly jolly ho-ho holiday!

As a parting gift, I'd like to reacquaint you with a special guest (featured in an earlier post) who graced a card I just received from my sweetheart (Thanks, John!)  If it didn't cause your retinas to spontaneously detach the first time around, then chances are it won't present a danger now. C'mon, I dare you to click on the link. I know your curiosity is greater than your instinct for self preservation. Go ahead, just click!

A Public Service Announcement

Listen up, girls. Beware of clean cut young men who approach you outside of school propped up by a crutch. That short crutch is a dead giveaway that his handicap is purely fauxsical. One word springs to mind - BUNDY! NO, not that one - this one! Sure, he'll sweet talk you and compliment your fine, aesthetic taste in plaid and your exceptionally beautiful tang-colored hair, but I say kick that crutch out from under him and knock his teeth out. Sure, he'll pretend that he can't get up because of his "handicap." Stomp on his balls until he screams for mercy, then shove that Trapper Keeper in his mouth - that'll keep his serial-killing trap shut!  Uh-oh, the principal's coming. What's that you say, Mr. Jackson? He's a transfer student from Jersey? And he lost his leg in an escalator accident? Um.....my bad.

Tequila!!

Before you see what I see, let me tell you what happened last night. I was wearing my supercool burgundy velour ensemble while Jazzercising when my annoying lab partner/next door neighbor (and major asswipe) Ian, showed up and said, "Turn that record off and come outside. I gotta show you something!" So he took me over to the old Herman homestead, "What's the BFD?" I asked. Now, you gotta realize something. Mr. Herman is a bit odd - immature I'd guess you'd say. He doesn't drive a car and he wears funny clothes. But leave the crazy dude alone. Ian is always spying on him and shit, so I was pretty irritated to be included. Ian makes us crouch down all spylike and he starts pointing (I've got to add here that he was wearing that super lame faux sheepskin jacket that he loves so much he might as well just marry it and those ugly Nikes...gawd, I hate them! Chuck's are the shizz, yo!) and he says, "Do you see what I see?" "Well duh," I says, "of course I see it. Can't a poor guy dance? I'm outta here!"

Half-baked Half-gods

When half-gods go....where?

crazy?

potty?

wee wee wee all the way home?

What kind of highfalutin mishmosh is this? 

Translated from the German raises a red flag right there. A title taken from the last stanza of a DWP's* famous work gives me pause - I don't know if my meager intellect can handle it. Then we've got this bizarre assemblage of surreal parts to ponder. Is that a Ford Pinto!? And what is this love affair that illustrators have with dead-eyed creepy kids? For the love of a half-god...Stop staring into my soul!

*Dead White Poet

Forever and a day and a few weeks, too.

It does go on forever. Why? Because it's a young adult novel. 'Nuff said. Except for this excerpt: 

"Mary Alice lay with her eyes half closed looking at the curtains again. She had been looking at the curtains for three or four days now. Or perhaps it was three or four weeks. It was hard to be sure. Time had slowed down, come almost to a stop..."

How compelling! All those days and weeks of endless curtain-gazing through half closed eyes. Like the road itself, the action and intrigue go on forever! 

I don't know about you, but I'm getting a reptilian vibe off of Mary Alice.

Been Smug Forever

Ignore the smug douchebag there and take in the cornucopia of technology he's amassed. That sexy 

uber genius tacked up on the wall is no doubt impressed. Is that a Betamax? And a Commodore PET? I bet it's fully loaded with all the latest DOS apps. I particularly like those giant super-cushy headphones. Makes me want to put them on and sing Girl. Speaking of which, do you see what the lovely long-haired girl (clearly not impressed with any of it) is wearing? Look closely. Slouch Socks! I miss slouch socks. The only time you see them anymore is during tick season.  

What do you suppose the "Save" poster is all about? My guess... Save the Slouch Socks!

18.1

I hope you all had a yummy Thanksgiving. How nice to have an extended weekend to reflect and give thanks for everything meaningful and dear to our hearts, as well as for all the little things that make us smile. I, for one, am giddy with thanks to whoever created this crazy cover.  It really has it all - a nerdboy, an authentic Commodore calculator zipping through space and a gorgeous salon                                                    makeover! 

Holding Me Here....how?

I don't understand how someone with the mad art skillz to draw a fairly lifelike depiction of a girl hasn't yet mastered simple two-point perspective. Is it a deliberate, sort of ironic play on the title? Because it sure looks like she's about to slide off the cover. It reminds me of the old Batman TV series with all of those skewed camera angles.

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Road to Depression

Forget about the insanely creepy eyes of the kid - we've all seen them on these covers. What I'm curious about is the time period being depicted here. The kids look like they shop at Old Navy. One's in a denim jacket, the other in a hoodie. Then why is a Model -T school bus on the road? Is it en route to a classic car show?  Or did these two teens stumble through a time portal and are now bracing themselves for the fiscal chill of the Great Depression? I don't know. My guess is that there was a failure of communication between the publisher and the artist. The artist was told the book was about depression (i.e. a young adult novel) and misconstrued this to mean the depression.

And don't get me started on the author's name.

Just Say No!

With autumn blowing in and the leaves turning, falling and being raked into big crunchy piles I thought I'd post a leafcentric seasonal cover. However, after regarding the smiley foursome (who apparently don't mind invading each other's personal circles of space), I've come to the conclusion that this book is not about oak leaves or elm leaves but of another kind of leaf entirely. Yes children, getting high on maryjane may leave you grinning from ear to ear, but a more insidious side effect is the inability to just say no to the self-tanner. 

Note to Jean Ure: Now this is the book you should have written!

Beach Boy Baby Snatcher

I must've missed the very special Hallmark Hall of Fame adaptation of this gripping YA novel, starring Brian Wilson (hey, he had bills to pay) and the irrepressibly zany Mayim Bialik as two crazy canoe instructors leading double lives as baby snatchers! Yup, must've missed that one. Check out the load in that little guy's pants! No, I meant Brian's. Yes, children, back in the early 80's grown men paraded around in  short-shorts without any hint of embarrassment.  

I think I will be sick now. 

The bitch is back!

The summer of Sassy Jo was filled with hour-long segments of ham-handed dialogue, implausible plots, extreme melodrama and exorbitant applications of hair mousse. By the end of that summer, Sassy Jo had become 

Sammy Jo!

SHHHHHHHH

I always thought there was but one kind of silence. You know, the kind when there isn't any noise. But after giving it some (silent) thought, I realize that there are several kinds of silence. There are moments of silence, vows of silence, the right to remain silent, the deafening silence one hears in oxymoronville, the cone of silence and of course, the silence of the lambs. There's also the kind of silence that surrounds oneself while wearing awesome                                                             slouch socks!

ps -  Hope Won!!

Don't Drink and Drive, Kids

Mare Winningham is perturbed because her trivial pursuit game is being held up by...dun-dun-dunnnn...teenage drinking! I know I saw this as an ABC afterschool special. Michelle Pfieffer played Mare's friend and the dumb lug was played by Val Kilmer. I don't remember much (hey, I was probably chugging down Wild Turkey at the time) except that Val gets really wasted and plows his Pinto into Mare. His automobile, you dirty dogs. I loved those afterschool specials. They served up all the shocking teen issues of the day with a sickening side of cheezwhiz and ham. But enough of that, check out Mare's awesome slouch socks - those were the bomb, yo! Kinda like the Uggs of my era. Only not as ugly.

The Stuff of Nightmares

What is more frightfully disturbing?

a) the.. ahem... bustiness of the young girl.

b) the oddly mesmerizing creases of her pants.

c) oh my fucking christ, will ya look at her arms...and her feet! She's a... a... a...MARIONETTE!  Run for your lives!

And with that, I'll leave you with this.

Happy 

Halloween!

Eyes that Paralyze.

Please kid, I'm begging you, take my duck, take anything, just... 

Stop.

Staring.

at.

Me.

You're creeping me out!

The Monster Mash

With Halloween almost upon us, I thought I'd feature some ultra creeptastic cover illustrations. The symbolism here is not at all subtle - everyone knows that white lilies symbolize the departure of the soul. Behind the blooms of death a trio of clairol-loving vampires, one of whom is in need of a fast-acting antacid, have just initiated an unsuspecting sister in their undead ways. Their leader Spike, who has the commanding presence to pull off a lavender manbag, is unaware of the zombie in the distance. But wait, that's no zombie! He isn't hungry for brains, he's hungry for.......! 

Been There, Done That

He's like, "Yer face...it needs mai kisses." And she's like, "Ok, now ure startin to bore me." Even the billboard artist found this yawnfest too tiresome to complete.  Seriously, have you ever seen such a perfect depiction of ennui? 

Line Dancing is Cool

Hoooo-boy! Git ready for some toe-tapping twang from Anne-Marie's latest album. I love her cowgirl fashion but what's with the font on her life-sized poster? That's the kind of lettering you would see in the Shire. The diner-style title font is also incongruous with the country western theme. Fonts aside, I am very much digging the denim stylings of the boy with the exquisitely tweezed brows and cuffed Wranglers. You just know he's prepared for anything. I'm assuming his friend Red, there, is a transplant from the city. That would explain the corporate product placement. Doesn't he know real men wear boots?

Finding Nothin'!

Psst! Up here - it's me, Fever, hiding in a square void in the forest. Don't ask me how I got here, the important thing is that I'm finally free of those two. I couldn't take it anymore - their endless dabbling with hair products, eyebrow tweezers, exfoliating loofahs and moisturizing masks. They've been like that all their lives! But not with me, no sirree, I'm putting my paw down! They can find another dog to humiliate. I just want to roll in the mud, chase squirrels and eat food out of the trash. I'm not gonna let some nancy-boys paint my nails and try to give me a home perm. They can look for me all they want...I won't be found!

Have you built your fallout shelter yet?

No ifs about it, winter will come - nuclear winter, that is. Let me explain. At first I thought this was the story of a moon launch or some such benign event, but it's about two teens and the rest of the planet facing possible NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION! Good times! An example of the cheery prose found within:

"A longing thudded against her (I'll say - probably from Screech there in his most dramatic role ever). She lifted her face up to the bathing warmth of the sun. Tomorrow it might be gone, shut out by a cloud of lethal fallout, death-bearing ash."

That's right half-pint, enjoy the sunshine now, for you'll forever be trapped in time on a book cover featuring those YA staples: romance, death and the mighty phallic symbol. Sheesh, they're everywhere, aren't they?! 

That's what the kids call it

Did you know that slaying the dragon is a euphemism for choking the chicken, which is a euphemism for spanking the monkey, which is a euphemism for flailing the whale, which is a ...oh, you know! But alas, there are no dragons being slayed in this tableau. With his skimpy shorts and come hither pose, perhaps our young hero is waiting for his very own St. George to slay his dragon. No, not that George, this                                                                                one!

No animals were harmed in the making of this post, dragons or otherwise.

Speaking of Squintiness

Do you see it? There in the yellow flower? Egads - a tiny dragon! Pretty trippy stuff coming from the queen of foxiness. I'd lay off the Boone's Farm if I were her. But getting back to the cover, I think the illustrator has the uncanny ability to predict what a certain Hollywood celeb is gonna look like in the year 2038 or thereabouts. Renee, honey - your face is gonna freeze like that!

Care to join us?

"Hi there, gorgeous. The name's Sheila. Ms. Hayes if you're nasty. You may be wondering why such a foxy lady, with bedroom eyes and a 36-inch Jordache rise, is hanging out in this blog. Well, I am a YA author, duh! We'll get to my book later. Right now I've got a date with his royal studliness. We'll be taking our sexy poses down to the local wine and cheese joint where we'll feed each other hot, gooey morsels of deliciousness from the fondue crock and get blitzed on a jug of Boone's Farm strawberry wine. Ahhhh, heaven!"

When Mannequins Come to Life!

What's wrong with this picture? The girl on the left appears to be a living, breathing girl - the other I'm not so sure about. Miss Cable Knit is seriously creeping me out. She has an unearthly pallor, dead eyes, stiff posture and a hideous wig. But why would a YA novel be about a mannequin? Unless it's the story of a lonely, friendless girl who gets in touch with some dude named Lars and with his help gets a BFF of her own! But she specifically asked for the long haired model, dammit!

Girls in Love

There's a whole market for LGBT teens right now - David Levithan and Julie Anne Peters are two of the best among many others - but back in '82 it was the rare book that addressed the issue. I've read this book and it's a very moving, very real story set against a great NYC backdrop. I could see a gay or confused teen finding much comfort and affirmation here, but oy vey, this cover! Yeah, I know not every lesbian looks like this, but girls, would it kill you to iron the flannel and put a comb through your hair?

A Killing Freak!

Whoa! Another cover featuring a huge freaky dude reaching out to grab ya! Obviously a different artist -quite proud of his finished work (notice the signature at the lower left). I would kill to have the original prominently displayed in my home. What I find especially, um, special about this one, besides the ambiguously gendered kid with the awesome jewfro, is that other bit of tonsorial artistry very cleverly concealed. Do you see it? That crazy frozen giant has a Tree of Life chinbeard! I've never seen that before. Cool! 

How to Fascinate Jason

Hey Jason, you sensuous man, you - want to know how to fascinate women? Lose the Nugent poster (really, he's not a very nice guy), put this on your stereophonic turntable, and fer chrissakes, put your eyes back in your head! What're you looking at that's so astonishing anyway? Oh, this. Perhaps you're not ready for girls.

Bad Timing

Why the long face, Denny? You're a good-looking kid rockin' the flattop and leather jacket. You've got a trunkful of cassettes to sell featuring all the hottest

sounds of the day to help pay off those bitchin' wheels. Life should be good. Oh yeah, all the cool kids are buying these things now. Bummer. 

This or That

There can only be two explanations to account for this disturbing scene.

Scenario #1. Some bullies overhear Nerdboy saying he has a girlfriend (this is a fib). They threaten him with the wedgie of all wedgies unless he comes to the dance on Friday with his "girlfriend." Because Nerdboy is super smart, he builds himself a Robogirl. He thought she would look like this, but instead he ends up with a scrawny, oddly dressed beanie-wearing 7th grader. But time's a wasting and he'll just have to make do. As he's getting ready to go, Robogirl's systems crash and she slams her synthetic head into the home-made monitor. The electromagnetism causes a lightning storm as Nerdboy looks on in horror.

Scenario #2. Nerdboy has a sister he really, really hates. Hates everything about her, from the top of her beanie to the soles of her Doc Martin's. She's always snooping around, too - like today, Nerdboy caught her messing with his papers. He's got a system, dammit, and now she's gone and messed it all up! Nerdboy thinks horrible thoughts about her - how he'd like to smash her skull open, but before he can tell her to get the heck out, BLAM, an invisible force propels her headfirst into the monitor and she DIES! Nerdboy realizes that he has an incredible power......and he can't wait to use it, bwahaha!

Really, what else could Blossom Culp's dreadful future possibly be about?

Kreepy!

Okay, so you're a kid browsing the new fiction in your school library and you see this ghastly, nightmare-inducing cover. Would you want to read this book?Jeezus, I would be afraid to touch it. What does creepy old dude keep? Promises? Secrets? Young boys? And do you recognize these two? I just know I've seen them before, but I can't quite put my finger on it................................................I've got it! I had no idea they juggled book cover modeling gigs with movie

           stardom! 

I Got You, Babe

The usually flamboyant Cher sheds her sequins for one of her most dramatic roles ever! No, not as a card carrying member of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits, but as an English Lit teacher who feels a stirring in the polyester for one of her students, played by the adorable, not yet crazy Thetan, Tom Cruise. Will their forbidden love, in all its purity and passion shatter the boundaries of teacher/student relations? Or will dude #2 screw everything up? Beats me!

Wha...?

I have no idea what the frikkity frak this is all about! The images are so random. Perhaps if I take a peek inside I'll get a better understanding....

...."Pretty Cindy Lou Hensley is torn between the hot rocker in town and the soldier that got all those medals in 'Nam. One night she dreams of a Native American dude with lasers coming out of his cheeks who speaks thusly, 'Girl of sky eyes and hair of wheat, forget these losers. When the beets in the field have grown and the sheep in the meadow approach, you will meet a mysterious man of many skills. With you at his side, he will bring hope and the promise of change to our dying land.'  

Does the prophecy come true?  You betcha!

Denim vs. Khaki

I wish a movie had been made about Gardine and Hanover dramatizing their Junior Year Fashion Feud! One likes the pleated khaki's, while the other prefers baggy Wrangler's pegged at the ankle (so becoming). The only thing they can agree on is the height of the waist. Is the picture behind them a snapshot of their happier past when all it took was a ride on a banana seat bicycle to keep the peace? Please girls, can't we all just get along and accept each other's poor clothing choices? Oh, right, you're teenage girls. Forget I even brought it up.

Back to School

I thought I'd post an illustration of happy, smiling youngsters for all my teacher friends out there.  I love this kid - from his flattop to his jaunty "yeah, I'm too cool for school" pose to his walkman (most likely playing this guy). The crowd behind him looks pretty stoked as well. The only thing that could possibly go wrong in this scenario would be a pigeon attack! 

Bravo!

What a difference in our summer covers! I love this illustration...the wistful Kirk Cameron wannabe thinking of those summer girls he'll never meet, his smirking sister with the walkman (I'll bet she's listening to these guys), the font that ties in beautifully with the nautical theme...I'm sorry, I just can't find anything to criticize here. Richard Peck was a top notch YA author of his generation and this book is absolutely charming - so if you've got something snarky to say, bring it on!

The Summer I Learned about Dull Illustration

This post and the next one will feature summer in the title, as we all come closer to kissing these lazy, hazy days goodbye. This story is about a teenage girl growing up in the 1920's who wants to ditch the domestic arts and learn how to fly a plane. That's a pretty exciting premise, encompassing girl-power within the historical context, but this cover, eh, not so much. A static font, a stiff pose, and a drab composition would have me shelve this book, not savor it. The 1920's were roaring, not boring!

Courage, Dana!

You'll need it, trapped as you are on the cover of a YA novel (tho this one looks a bit Middle School) trying to look as small as possible while sitting in a graveyard. Good thing you have that bag of "Yum Yum Tasty Chips" as solace against the terror that will soon follow. 

Men are from Mars, Women are Different

Isn't this intriguing? A girl in hideous track pants hitched up in a seductive manner has rudely flopped down on the lap of a boy practicing his etudes. She has just told him something shocking! The boy looks positively befuddled and panicked at her disclosure. I could make many inappropriate comments here, but I'm too lazy right now, so I invite my readers (all 3 of you) to help me out on this one. Let's hear it people - how exactly is she different?

Composition 101

The Bennington Stitch is that stabbing pain you get in your side when posing for the artist of a YA book cover. Who hires these people? Who sees the preliminary sketches and says, "Yeah, go for it!" Pony girl is completely shutting us out with her pose, the woman to the right is exhibiting body language that says she's had enough of this crap, goddammit, and the guy appears to have stumbled into the picture by chance, only to have the artist say, "Dude, ever think about modeling?" To fully complete this fine example of what every YA illustration needs, the artist has graced us with a rather exaggerated rendering of college architecture.

Psycho Killer Qu'est-ce que c'est?

That's right, don't look in her eyes - just keep carrying her on your back for all of eternity to avoid her demonic gaze. Frankly, I don't know what this book could possibly be about. It has one of the most awkwardly composed covers I've ever seen. The toddler's arms seem freakishly long. And is it a boy giving the piggyback ride or a girl with a sassy Dorothy Hamill do? And what could possibly be in the brown paper bag? Answers, people! Clumsy as the drawing is, I find myself intrigued, so onward to the description... 

...."Jason was twelve when his psychotic mother abandoned him and his 15-month old brother Chad."

But of course - what's a YA novel without a psychotic mother?

A String of Cheese

I'll get to the baby in a moment, but first let's discuss the hair. This is a style more suited to a 6-year-old than a teen. Where are the feathered wings? What self-repecting girl would style her hair like this in 1982? Maybe she's an android, and her makers didn't have the latest catalogue from Hot Cuts. That would also explain her cool detachment and the baby's look of sheer terror. Babies know. Or maybe I've just been watching too much Battlestar Galactica these days. Thankfully, this cover hasn't let me down completely - once again we are revisited by that staple of YA book cover illustration - the freaky floating head of an elderly woman.

Make it stop!

Another ghoulish story courtesy of the Grim Reaper, aka YA novelist Claudia Mills. Can you imagine the convo that went on in the art director's office with this one?

"I want what looks like a tombstone smack dab in the middle, or just a portal to hell would be ok, and I want the colors to be really sombre. Oh, and could you float the head of a girl right in the center of it. The author says she's preoccupied with death - make her look sad and confused, like she's thinking, 'Good God, does death ever take a holiday around here?' 

What's that you say? Her hair? Hell, I don't care - do whatever you want with the hair."

You just know the artist's favorite part was creating that perfectly flipped and feathered hair!

Who what?! Tell us already!

a) likes to smear white clown makeup all over your face and watch the boys in their teeny-tiny gym shorts run laps? 

b) likes to lean against the true-to-scale replica of Carey High School you constructed soley out of balsa wood and dippity-do?

c) had a run-in with the po-po after dropping mesc at that chick concert?

d) the one whose sister is dead.

Since this is a YA novel, I think you know the answer to that one.

Yummmmmmm!

But I like it, like it, yes I do! Don't tell my secret crush that there's a new hottie in town (albeit rendered in gouache) and he's rockin the feathered hair and keyboards like nobody's business. There's nothing like a sexy Piano man...swoon!

Express Train to Sears

I'm glad it clearly states that this is a novel, lest we mistake it for being a true account of events. However, after some investigative digging, I uncovered a little known occurrence of September 30, 1887, known as the June Bug Local. Seems that author P.J. Petersen spiced up the particulars of that exciting tale of a train hostage situation and adding elements from a classic film, made the story even more palatable for a YA audience, complete with a sassy protagonist in a trendy jean jacket and prairie skirt and a juvenile delinquent in requisite leather jacket with zippy zippers. Lookout boy obviously prefers his mother to choose his clothes.

Fire the Art Director

I'd like to know who the creative genius was behind this gem. There are so many things wrong here. The font looks like those iron-on letters we all bought to make cool custom t-shirts, so I can't really diss that choice - it's all very keeping with the time. The leaning Tower of Eiffel is another matter entirely. I understand that the use of a striking phallic symbol may get the hormonally charged youngsters to choose this book over others, but yeck, what's with the neon-outlined figures in the foreground? They are seriously creeping me out, especially the dude with the deformed paddle hand standing behind Toulouse-Lautrec. According to the blurb, a kid named Jack "makes peculiar friends and sees the Eiffel Tower under unusual circumstances." Most likely involving hallucinogens.

Worst Title Evah!

God's Radar? What the hell does that mean? I have a feeling this is not about lovable Cpl. Walter O'Reilly. According to the blurb, Roxie (who I assume is the girl with the sassy flip) is "torn between love and love (huh?), belief and belief (huh?). She has to make a choice (abortion!) and find an answer or risk being torn apart."  Torn apart? Let the bloodbath begin!

 

I Don't Want to Know!

Really, I don't. Because I have a dirty mind and I'm gonna automatically think that the family secret is brother/sister incest!!  Look at the picture - they're related, right? They both have that look like they're one chromosome short of Down's. And what's with his hands - does he have twelve fingers? Is it the entire family's secret? And why are they clutching each other in a void? Where the hell are they supposed to be - in front of a photo screen at the local JCPenney Portrait studio?

Attention Whore!

WTF is my stupid sister doing now?! God, I hate her! Always trying to get attention. Last week it was that unfortunate Pop Rocks incident, last night it was that lame attempt at channeling Janis Joplin at the seance, and now she's going all Da Vinci on me with her latest flying contraption. It never ends! Even the birds are embarrassed for her. She's looking at me, isn't she, seeing if I notice? Don't look at her - you'll only encourage her. Contemplate my gorgeous blond hair and furrowed brow instead.