Sunday, May 31, 2009

Theater Geeks of the World Unite!

Ah, theater geeks, how I love them! For all the dramaramas I knew in high school who were mocked by the jocks and bullied by the beauty queens,  this monologue is for you: 

[clears throat, enters stage right] 

Give me your teen outcasts, your shunned soliloquists, your huddled rehearsers yearning to breathe free the wretched refuse of your teeming high school hallways. Send these, the dramatic dabblers, the backstage babes, tempest-tost to me, I lift my spot light beside the golden stage. Yes, young thespian, hug thyself!*

*and get the boy to do your hair and make-up - I'm sure he's fabulous at it, darling!

Monday, May 25, 2009

The Final Battle

I assume the publisher's intent was to offer a cover illustration that would appeal to teen girls back in the day. This picture certainly includes some elements of popular teen style - the high-waisted jeans, the necklace dangling over the sweater collar just so, and other accoutrements that define these creatures - the teddy bears, the teen idols ripped from the pages of Tiger Beat and the oh-so-precious knickknacks. Yet there's something a bit off about these two. Are they even teenagers? It's like they're a representation of what teenage girls would look like as rendered by someone who's never seen a teenaged girl....or by someone who's never seen a human? I think our clue lies in that 
big old V in the title.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


In this modern version of Gulliver's Travels, we find our perplexed protagonist waking up in the big sky country of Montana - a land of rope fonts and lilliputian rodeo revellers, who harass our hapless hero with frightful clown antics, terrifying stunts of horsemanship and an endless loop of musical torment.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Whatchoo lookin' at cowboy? If this is a muthafuckin' stare-off, you can save yerself the trouble and declare me the winner right now. What'd you just call me? Mallory?! The name's ain't Mallory - it's Cat, see? Cat, myself! Got it? Landsakes, what kind of plumb crazy name is Mallory - that's a duck, ain't it? Oh, what's that you say? A mallard's a duck? Well ain't you the edgycated one! Now you just back off my land, smarty-chaps, lest you want to make the aquaintance of my colt. And that ain't no horsie, hoss. I reckon you'd best giddy-yap outta here 'fore I lose my temper. Shit.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Road to Perdita

Not for the faint-hearted comes this harrowing tale of a recent graduate of the Andrew Wyeth School of Modeling, who unfortunately strikes a pose at the same moment a graduate of the Jacques-Louis David School of Equine Modeling attempts to out-vogue her. When asked what possessed him to trample upon a little girl's dream of posing perfection, the slick stallion replied nonsensically.