This is how it's done

The following is a handy dandy guide to the components that make up a superbly lame 1980's YA cover illustration:  (You can thank me later)

1) Disembodied heads floating amid a neutral background. Extra special lameness if one of the heads is a geeky kid with thick glasses just waiting for you to get undressed. (please cover book before getting into your jammies, girls)

2) Obsolete technology

3) Random grouping of lilliputians

4) Giant central character in a seemingly catatonic state. Extra points if she's so out of it she's neglected her hair. (Girlfriend, break out the conditioner!) 

Combine all elements, slap on an ominous title and finish with a tri-named author. Voila! You have a young adult masterpiece, moldering in the stacks of a time-traveling library near you!

YO! yo?

For spring break I wanted to do something really wild, ya know, shoot for the moon! Maybe backpack through Italy, see the Coliseum, or backpack in front of a poster of the Coliseum. Whatevs. Only hitch is that my 'rents wouldn't let me go solo. No probs, right? All I had to do was tack up a classified on the dorm bulletin board seeking a SWF to tag along with me. This girl Hedy responded at once - coolio, right? Wrong-o. I liked her enough at first but then she started dressing like me and getting the same kicky haircut as me (and she's also aged about 20 years) and well, now that we've reached the Coliseum (ok, it's a poster, so what!) I'm starting to get a bit creeped out. Good thing I packed my trusty Duncan - my mad yoyo defense skillz may come in handy.

A Failure to Communicate

Yes, it will be quite difficult to survive your life with a head that resembles something you'd use to scrape day-old pasta off a dinner plate. If only the young lady in question had been a better communicator. Her unfortunate predicament (which I'm sure will be tearfully transcribed in her precious diary) began with her love of a popular daytime soap opera. She told her hairstylist that she wanted to look exactly like the star. She should have been more specific, no?

Hey, get a looksee at the artist's signature - I knew I had seen his work before! 

When Mannequins Come to Life!

What's wrong with this picture? The girl on the left appears to be a living, breathing girl - the other I'm not so sure about. Miss Cable Knit is seriously creeping me out. She has an unearthly pallor, dead eyes, stiff posture and a hideous wig. But why would a YA novel be about a mannequin? Unless it's the story of a lonely, friendless girl who gets in touch with some dude named Lars and with his help gets a BFF of her own! But she specifically asked for the long haired model, dammit!

Girls in Love

There's a whole market for LGBT teens right now - David Levithan and Julie Anne Peters are two of the best among many others - but back in '82 it was the rare book that addressed the issue. I've read this book and it's a very moving, very real story set against a great NYC backdrop. I could see a gay or confused teen finding much comfort and affirmation here, but oy vey, this cover! Yeah, I know not every lesbian looks like this, but girls, would it kill you to iron the flannel and put a comb through your hair?

A Killing Freak!

Whoa! Another cover featuring a huge freaky dude reaching out to grab ya! Obviously a different artist -quite proud of his finished work (notice the signature at the lower left). I would kill to have the original prominently displayed in my home. What I find especially, um, special about this one, besides the ambiguously gendered kid with the awesome jewfro, is that other bit of tonsorial artistry very cleverly concealed. Do you see it? That crazy frozen giant has a Tree of Life chinbeard! I've never seen that before. Cool! 

A String of Cheese

I'll get to the baby in a moment, but first let's discuss the hair. This is a style more suited to a 6-year-old than a teen. Where are the feathered wings? What self-repecting girl would style her hair like this in 1982? Maybe she's an android, and her makers didn't have the latest catalogue from Hot Cuts. That would also explain her cool detachment and the baby's look of sheer terror. Babies know. Or maybe I've just been watching too much Battlestar Galactica these days. Thankfully, this cover hasn't let me down completely - once again we are revisited by that staple of YA book cover illustration - the freaky floating head of an elderly woman.

Control yourself!

Cool glasses!! Seriously. I had these pink-tinted monstrosities back in the 7th grade - great peripheral vision, unlike the trendy little specs everyone wears today.  Who is this girl shying away from? Her optometrist? Her hair-stylist? Girl, lose the long scraggles and get some feathered wings put in there. Become acquainted with a curling iron, for godsakes. But keep the glasses. And stop looking so scared all the time. What's that you say? You're being sexually harassed? Right. Of course you are. I forgot this was a YA novel for a moment. Hey, at least your sister isn't dead. Yet.