Tequila!!

Before you see what I see, let me tell you what happened last night. I was wearing my supercool burgundy velour ensemble while Jazzercising when my annoying lab partner/next door neighbor (and major asswipe) Ian, showed up and said, "Turn that record off and come outside. I gotta show you something!" So he took me over to the old Herman homestead, "What's the BFD?" I asked. Now, you gotta realize something. Mr. Herman is a bit odd - immature I'd guess you'd say. He doesn't drive a car and he wears funny clothes. But leave the crazy dude alone. Ian is always spying on him and shit, so I was pretty irritated to be included. Ian makes us crouch down all spylike and he starts pointing (I've got to add here that he was wearing that super lame faux sheepskin jacket that he loves so much he might as well just marry it and those ugly Nikes...gawd, I hate them! Chuck's are the shizz, yo!) and he says, "Do you see what I see?" "Well duh," I says, "of course I see it. Can't a poor guy dance? I'm outta here!"

Denim vs. Khaki

I wish a movie had been made about Gardine and Hanover dramatizing their Junior Year Fashion Feud! One likes the pleated khaki's, while the other prefers baggy Wrangler's pegged at the ankle (so becoming). The only thing they can agree on is the height of the waist. Is the picture behind them a snapshot of their happier past when all it took was a ride on a banana seat bicycle to keep the peace? Please girls, can't we all just get along and accept each other's poor clothing choices? Oh, right, you're teenage girls. Forget I even brought it up.

Express Train to Sears

I'm glad it clearly states that this is a novel, lest we mistake it for being a true account of events. However, after some investigative digging, I uncovered a little known occurrence of September 30, 1887, known as the June Bug Local. Seems that author P.J. Petersen spiced up the particulars of that exciting tale of a train hostage situation and adding elements from a classic film, made the story even more palatable for a YA audience, complete with a sassy protagonist in a trendy jean jacket and prairie skirt and a juvenile delinquent in requisite leather jacket with zippy zippers. Lookout boy obviously prefers his mother to choose his clothes.

I am so not ticklish!

I dare ya...I am so not ticklish. Go ahead, tickle my foot. I can take it, you'll see, not ticklish a biiiiiii....STOP IT! I can't take it - stop the tickling!!! PLEEEEEASE, I'll give you my high waisted jordaches andandand my boyfriend's shirt andandandand my curling iron andmycool huarache sandals....JUST STOP TICKLING MEEEEEEEE FER CHRISSSAKES!!!

The Year of Perfecting "The Pose"

I know you've all been waiting for the book written by that luscious piece of man candy, Terry Kay. On first glimpse I was struck by the boy's jeans. Are they the same jeans worn by my crush? Notice the left hand gripping the back pocket - the same pose, is it not? On reading the synopsis, we're told that the novel is inspired by his hotness' own boyhood in Georgia. So it is him, in the sweet years of youth before his eyes went bad and he discovered the joys of blowdrying! Is the naked lightbulb a symbol of the brilliance yet to come? But more importantly, what would possess his mother to sew him a shirt made out of a tablecloth? Did she despise our young hero? Did she endlessly badger him about how that hole in the porch ain't gonna be fixing itself, young man?

Blue Tights, Mofo!

There's something about this girl I really like. It's that don't mess with me, motha-fucka look and sassy pose while wearing such a horribly clashing and unflattering dance ensemble. Yeah, she knows the orange is rather unforgiving to the hips and the blue does nothing for her legs, but hey, who doesn't remember overcoming poor clothing choices with pure 'tude? You go, girl!